Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I really don't understand how some people are so capable of being inconsiderate to other people's feelings. I've never been the kind of person to put myself before others. I'm not sure whether or not that's a good trait that I have. I know I'm not a perfect person and in no way am I saying I am, but I just don't understand. I wish I could. I wish I could understand what goes through people's heads. If I could all the times where I've wanted to ask "why?" would be answered. I suppose I am a controlling person. I just want people to be good and I know that a lot of people have it in their hearts to be a wonderful person, but they're so incapable of taking other's advice and letting it go in one ear and out the other. Why can't people just listen? Some may say that I'm guilty of this, but I'm not. I do listen and I hear every word that is said. I take it in and consider the things they say, but when I know it won't make me happy, I do what I want to do. For example, my relationship. After going through all we have and after what I've been put through, people tell me that it's in my best interest to leave. I guess in some aspects that's true... I'll be able to avoid the heartache and the struggles, but that's just it. If I can't go through those obstacles and leave it behind, what about what I'll miss out on? Some problems aren't always going to be resolved after the first argument, it may take hundreds of arguments but for the most part, I'm okay with that. The special relationship I have with Ray is unlike any other I've experienced before. Sure, I've experienced a lot with Brad and spent a year of my life with him as my world, but I learned from that. The heroin addict put me through so much pain that I do regret it sometimes, but it made me wiser and that much stronger. I now know what to lookout for and I now speak up for myself. When I was fourteen, someone told me that I make people feel awful and low of themselves. Although that may be true, it was never intentional. I was straightforward and stuck up for myself. After being told that, I stopped all together. I was not straightforward in all situations unless someone really pushed me to speak up. After several experiences of only taking in what people said, I got hurt repeatedly. It's not worth it to me. Of course I take other people's feelings into consideration, but I do have to think of myself sometimes. I guess all the wonder I have and all the misconceptions of people is why I want to become a psychologist. I want to be able to study people and know what the fuck is going on in their head. I didn't believe in mental disorders and just believed it was just for the government to make money from the pills they distribute, but now I've realized and accepted that some people have a screw (or 100) loose up there.

In other news, I love the shirt I'm wearing in this picture. It was 7$ at TJMaxx. What a deal! It was cute and cheap. Not to mention my dog. I love this dog with my whole heart and protect her like she is my child. I admit I do spoil her and baby her, but whatever. I do what I want and do what I can to keep her happy.

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